Happy people have better conversations than unhappy people. How do you become happier through better conversations? You increase the amount of time you spend in deep talk versus small talk. There's a direct link between the happiest people and how much time they spend in deep discussion with others. Conversely, unhappy people spend more time alone and more time engaged in surface-level conversation with others.¹ Now the question is, how do you move from small talk to deep talk consistently? More often than not, you're told to have confidence, firm eye contact, and engaging body language. These are nice to have and, on average, will lead to better conversations. However, they are not the most powerful elements. You can have good eye contact and excellent body language, but don't focus on them. Shift your mindset away from those individual elements. Instead, focus on a more powerful aspect that is often overlooked. What is it? Conversational flow.² Flow is the art of conversation; it's the moment-to-moment experience and the emotions you feel. Good flow to a conversation is unrelated to the content of the conversation. Content doesn't make you feel. And if you don't feel, then you aren't forming deeper connections. Better conversations are about the feel-good emotions the other person makes you feel. I've discovered 7 principles that can help you transition from small talk to deep talk more consistently.
1. Use your manners 2. Conversations are collaborative 3. Take their side 4. Face the emotions 5. You vs. I 6. Positive curiosity 7. Discover your motivation
This essay will explore each principle and give you practical tips on having better conversations. The only thing you need is an open mind and a renewed focus on conversation as a critical component to building relationships and improving your well-being.
Why you should read this I'm an introvert, and sometimes conversations don't come easily to me. After a triggering event in June of this year, I decided it's time I deconstruct the conversation. I started with a simple set of questions:
• Is conversation something that can be improved, or do I chalk it up to my personality? • If it can be improved, how? • What are the outcomes of having better conversations?
I researched and thought about these questions for well over a month. I read scientific journals, blog posts, Wikipedia and had conversations with people in my life to find the answers I was looking for.
I took everything I had learned and formed a set of guiding principles to help me have better conversations. I hope you find them helpful to you in your life.
If there's one takeaway before reading any of the principles, it's this:Conversations can be improved, and you will build more meaningful connections with people as a result.
An analogy Let's start with an analogy. Conversations are like a game of catch. In a good game of catch, you can throw the ball back and forth with ease. No dropping. You even anticipate where your partner will throw the ball, and you move in that direction. Even if you slowly increase the distance between you and your partner, you still catch the ball easily. Each time you increase the space, you throw it back and forth enough times to get good at that distance. You've established a new baseline for how far you can stand apart and still have a good game of catch. This is like good conversational flow. You iteratively move toward deep conversation, staying in sync as you do.
What about a bad game of catch? You and your partner start off close together. This is easy enough. Then, you start to increase the distance. Your partner begins to throw erratically and you drop the ball. Suddenly, you can't anticipate where the ball is going. The ball is bouncing on the ground, and you are chasing it everywhere. This is like bad conversational flow. You are working extra hard to keep the game going, but it's mostly just chasing the ball around. There's no flow to the game, and there's no established baseline for distance. Next time, you decide it's not worth the effort to play catch with this person.
There are two concepts here that are important to remember:
1. Like a good game of catch, conversations have flow 2. It takes iteration to build a new baseline depth of conversation
Without flow, your conversations will remain at a shallow depth (small-talk and transactional). Work together with your conversational partner to find this new depth iteratively (reach common ground).
1. Use your manners Manners are the foundation of good conversation. They help achieve conversational flow. But what is flow of a conversation?
You can break flow down into three things:³
1. Smooth turn-taking 2. Minimal (awkward) silence 3. Mutual engagement
A conversation with good flow has a smooth cadence. There's very little awkward silence between turns, and both people are attuned to the other.
Let's convert the elements of flow into our manners:
1. Don't interrupt or talk over your partner 2. Give verbal and nonverbal feedback
Don't interrupt or talk over your partner Interrupting your conversational partner will cause them to doubt the quality of their relationship with you.⁴ Why? Because they trust you less when you interrupt them or maintain long silences between turns. It's essential to good conversational flow that there are few interruptions and smooth turn-taking. You might find this difficult, especially if you are excited about what you want to say. Humans use complex cues to indicate when they are done speaking, and the listener subconsciously picks up on these. The most obvious signal is the "pause," or the silence between turns. However, a study done in 2011 found that the pause is not the best indicator of a new turn.⁵ I will argue shortly that it should be used because it's the most natural indicator.
The study found these cues to be the best turn-yielding indicators:⁶
• Raises or lowers their voice slightly on the last phrase • Stops using any hand gestures • Uses an expression like "you know" or "so" • Uses a combination of raising/lowering voice with an expression like "you know" • Closes a grammatical clause
So, why shouldn't you focus on these? Because they're unnatural. You might practice the cues and, over time, have an excellent sense of them. However, the best strategy is to err on the side of using the pause to transition turns. If you really have to interrupt, indicate something to say with a non-verbal cue like a simple hand gesture.
Give verbal and nonverbal feedback Grounding the conversation is essential.⁷ To do that effectively, you as the listener should provide feedback that you are listening, engaged, and want the speaker to keep going. This validates the speaker in real-time during the conversation and allows you to reach new depths of conversation.
These are the best ways to give feedback to your partner: 1. Slight head-nod 2. Facial expression 3. Continued eye gaze (don't get distracted) 4. One-word grounding: "oh", "okay", "no", "yeah", "wow", etc.
Remember the third item for conversational flow: mutual engagement. Giving feedback is a great way to show your attention in the conversation and make the interaction go smoothly. It's also a great way to avoid interrupting your partner because when you're providing real-time feedback, you're more engaged and more in tune with the speaker's turn-taking cues without focusing on them directly.
The takeaways • Manners are essential to developing conversational flow • The pause is the most natural turn-taking cue and helps you avoid interrupting or talking over your partner • Giving feedback forces you to be engaged and is the most natural way to develop conversational flow
2. Conversations are collaborative It may seem obvious, but conversations are inherently collaborative.⁸ Every time you talk with someone, you are building a shared understanding with them. You are finding common ground that you can use to establish the relationship. In other words, as you learn more about them or gather contextual information, you both use that as a "new starting point" for your following conversation. You don't start from scratch each time. Grounding does two things: 1. Allows the conversation to iteratively reach new depths (you collaborate) 2. Instills a sense of solidarity between you and your partner
Reach new depths Conversations need depth to be truly good. You can't stay in the shallow end of the pool forever and be truly satisfied. How do people form a baseline depth of conversation? Every time you talk with someone, you are collaborating with them to build a shared understanding. This iterative process allows you to move deeper and deeper into the pool. A conversation might have several back and forth interactions before grounding occurs. There's a subtle dance between the two partners that happens at the subconscious level. When speaking, your partner looks to you for some kind of verbal or nonverbal feedback that you are listening to and wants the conversation to keep moving forward. A slight nod, a smile, or a simple "okay" is evidence that the discussion should continue. A relevant follow-up question means you need clarification on a point that the speaker will clarify to ground the conversation. Every time the conversation is grounded, there's a new shared context and a new starting point for the next iteration. You've reached a new depth.
Instill a sense of solidarity Forming stronger relationships requires going beyond the transactional nature of small talk. The conversations go deeper, and by grounding, instill a sense of solidarity between the conversational partners.⁹ In other words, when you form a deep connection with someone, there's a sense of "we-ness" that you establish through conversation. You are learning about them and building a shared context. Your bond becomes tighter. Without the "we-ness," you won't feel connected. Solidarity goes beyond the content; it's the emotional tether between you and your partner.
The takeaways • Conversations are collaborative because you work together to build a shared understanding • Each conversation builds on top of the previous; you reach new depths each time • Having a shared understanding means you have a sense of solidarity, or you have an emotional tether with them
3. Take their side One of the fundamental aspects of communication is that we get to share our experiences with others. We get to show them what we've seen and how we've felt. The ability of the listener to understand your experience at a visual and emotional level is called empathy. Empathy is critical to having better conversations. Remember that if you don't feel, then you aren't forming deeper connections? One of the most effective tools for developing empathy is called perspective-taking or taking their side.¹⁰ Meaning you see and feel the world as the speaker does. There are two types of perspective-taking:¹¹ 1. Imagining what another person might be feeling or thinking 2. Imagining what you would be feeling or thinking Taking their side means you try to understand their experience. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything your partner says or agree with their interpretation of their experience. But you can learn to appreciate their version. When you do, you expand your own perspective.
Tell your story Remember that conversations are collaborative. When you share your own perspective, you are sharing what you saw and what you felt. So own your perspective and share it with others to help them form empathetic understanding for you, as well. Seek diverse experiences People live different lives, and when you can tease out their unique experiences, you both grow. When you find their unique experiences, you reach a new depth in the relationship. Your shared view of the world is expanded; you add another dimension. Don't shy away from asking how the experience made them feel Asking someone how they felt is the easiest way to get them to open up and share their emotions. Doing this allows you to deepen your empathetic understanding. Not everyone will immediately jump into how they felt. It's a level of vulnerability that people won't share unless there's trust in the relationship. But you can show your interest by asking how it made them feel. Tease out their emotions without being overbearing or making them feel vulnerable. Provide feedback and validate how they felt.
The takeaways • Taking their side means you show empathy; you see and feel what they felt • Tell your story because conversations are collaborative; show them what you saw and how you felt • Find their diverse experiences and ask them how they felt
4. Face the emotions Facing emotions in conversations is about using facial mirroring to deepen the relationship. Don't shy away from showing the emotions you feel. Why would you use facial mirroring? Humans have an innate ability to mirror another person, a group, or even strangers. For example, have you ever noticed yourself starting to talk like someone else? Or maybe you noticed you started to laugh like them? This is mirroring. Mirroring is when two or more people imitate each other unintentionally. In other words, doing as others do without realizing it.
There are 3 broad categories of mirroring that humans tend to engage in:¹² 1. facial expressions like smiling or frowning 2. behaviors like posture, eye gaze, hand gestures, or mannerisms in general 3. speaking patterns like pitch, rate, tone, or even accent
Mirroring someone is communicative. How? When someone tells you about a happy experience — they're smiling, and you're smiling with them — you will feel that same happy emotion. This is because they communicate the experience and the feeling of being happy through smiling and facial expressions. By smiling with the person, you open the door to understanding their experience at an emotional level.
Mirroring has several key benefits:¹³ • Builds rapport and likeness • Induces prosocial behavior • Opens the door for empathetic understanding
The causal direction of mirroring goes both ways. By using facial mirroring, you can build rapport with your conversational partner. But better rapport leads to more mirroring behavior (which is beneficial). So it's a healthy cycle to be in. Mirroring leads to more empathy and more harmony. But more empathy can lead to more harmony and more mirroring. Just like with perspective-taking, you are developing an empathetic understanding using facial mirroring.
The takeaways • Facing the emotions means showing the emotions on your face (smile when they smile, frown when they frown) • Humans mirror others subconsciously for many prosocial benefits: building rapport, increased likeness, and empathy • The causal direction of mirroring goes both ways: more mirroring means more rapport, and vice versa
5. You vs. I Have you ever had a conversation with someone that couldn't talk about anything but themselves? Yes, of course, you have! We've all had at least one encounter like this. It doesn't make the other person bad; it just means they were excited to show you their experiences. It's often easy to return the conversational focus to ourselves (see conversational narcissism). If you do this consistently, though, it's hard for you to really get to know the other person. On the other hand, good conversations have a healthy balance between sharing your experiences and learning about your partner's experiences. Instead of returning the conversation to focus on you (the I), focus on them when sharing an experience. Ask clarifying questions about themselves, and maintain a level of curiosity about them. If you find this difficult, start with easy questions that help establish your common ground. But instead of using a closed form of the question, use the "tell me about" trick.
For example: • Closed-form: "Where are you from?" • Open-form: "Tell me about where you grew up."
You can take this one step further. With genuine curiosity, you can use another trick called the "talk about" method. Use this to learn more about a specific point your partner made or dive even deeper into their response.
Let's continue our example: • You — "Tell me about where you grew up." • Them — "I grew up in a city called Topeka, which is the capital of Kansas. It's a small town, but I really enjoyed growing up there." • You — "I'm from Dallas, a huge city, but still has a small town feel. Talk about the small-town feel in Topeka. What was that like?" The "tell me about" and the "talk about" tricks help frame your questions for more profound responses. And, again, maintaining focus on them versus you is a great way to establish an emotional tether with them.
The takeaways • Don't automatically return the focus to yourself. Instead, ask follow-up questions to gain a deeper understanding. • Use the "tell me about" and "talk about" tricks to frame your follow-up for more profound answers
6. Positive curiosity You often hear to lead conversations with curiosity. I want to take this a bit further. Instead of leading with curiosity, lead with positive curiosity. What is positive curiosity? Positive curiosity means the source of your curiosity is coming from a good place. Your interest in your conversational partner stems from a positive mindset and positive emotions. For example, you are curious to learn more because you love getting to know more about this person. You value the relationship and have a genuine interest in "taking their side." The other side of this is neutral or negative curiosity. Are you curious about learning more from your partner because you want to know where you're better than them? Or you want to maintain a perceived status level over your partner. This is curiosity that stems from a hostile place, a dark place perhaps. Don't be this kind of curious. If you notice yourself doing this, stop and ask yourself why.
Past, Future, Present To help you develop the habit of positive curiosity, say this simple mantra before every conversation. Then, repeat this over and over to yourself so that it sets in. If you remember only one thing from this essay, it's this.
• Be curious about their past • Be inspired by their future • Be engaged with their present__
The takeaways • Don't just lead every conversation with curiosity; lead it with positive curiosity • Positive curiosity is curiosity that stems from a good place; negative curiosity stems from insecurities or a hostile place • Repeat the "past, future, present" mantra to yourself before every conversation
7. Discover your motivation To have better conversations, you have to have the desire. This may be obvious, but it must be said. Find your motivation for having a deeper conversation (and stronger relationship) with someone.
I've been in social situations where I didn't really want to be there. I didn't care about getting to know people or have better conversations. My conversations suffered because of it. Studies show that one of the biggest drivers of extroversion is called "goal to affiliate." What this means is that extroverted people are motivated to find affiliation with people.¹⁴ They care, and it shows. They genuinely want to get to know the person. This gives them their energy.
What is your motivation? Before every (planned) conversation, ask yourself what your motivation is. Here are two examples of how to frame your motivation: • Meeting a friend for coffee -> you value the relationship, and it makes you happy • Having a conversation with a coworker -> you have a common goal to accomplish
Have a default motivation What about spontaneous conversations? Maybe you're talking with the barista at your local coffee shop. Your motivation could be as simple as it makes you happy to see them smile. This is my default motivation for every conversation.It makes me happy to see the other person smile
Going into every conversation, you will have a simple motivation, but it's powerful. Suddenly you go into conversations with a goal in mind (making them smile) instead of being disinterested and unmemorable.
Find your similarities One way to find your motivation is to discover your similarities. Do you like the same sports club? That's an easy way to affiliate with them. Do you go to the same coffee shop? Another quick win.
A simple way to discover similarities is to use this type of question: "what do you like about..." People typically enjoy opening up with this type of question. An easy follow-up is to share what you like about whatever it is too.
The takeaways • Good conversations start with having the desire to have one • Find your motivation before every conversation • Have a default motivation like -> making the other person smile makes you happy
Conversational ability is not static Don't treat your ability to have a conversation as a static character trait. You can improve your conversations through a shift in mindset and a better understanding of what makes a good conversation. There are many methods to better conversations, but these 7 principles that I discussed are supported by research and experimentation. Use them as a guide during your next conversation.
Having better conversations is all about spending more time in deep talk versus small talk. When you can increase the amount of time in deep conversation, then you are building stronger relationships. The result? Your happiness.
There's a lot of information covered in this essay. Here's the TLDR: 1. Happy people spend more time in deep conversation than unhappy people 2. Conversational flow is the most overlooked element to better conversation 3. Use your manners: don't interrupt or talk over your partner 4. Collaborate to reach common ground 5. Build empathy by taking their perspective and sharing yours 6. Don't be afraid to show your emotions: smile when they smile, frown when they frown 7. Don't return the conversation to you by default; use the "tell me about" and "talk about" tricks 8. Enter the conversation with positive curiosity: use the "past, future, present" mantra 9. Find your motivation; what's the outcome you desire REFERENCES • Chartrand, T. and Jessica L. Lakin, The antecedents and consequences of human behavioral mimicry (2012) • Koudenburg N, Postmes T, Gordijn EH,Beyond Content of Conversation: The Role of Conversational Form in the Emergence and Regulation of Social Structure (2015) • Mehl, Matthias R., et al.,Eavesdropping on Happiness: Well-Being Is Related to Having Less Small Talk and More Substantive Conversations (2010) • Gravano, Agustín & Hirschberg, Julia, Turn-taking cues in task-oriented dialogue. Computer Speech & Language. (2011) • Clark, H. H., & Brennan, S. E., Grounding in communication (1991) • Cooke AN, Bazzini DG, Curtin LA, Emery LJ. Empathic Understanding: Benefits of Perspective-Taking and Facial Mimicry Instructions are Mediated by Self-Other Overlap (2018) • Duffy, Korrina A., Building Affiliation With Behavioral Mimicry: Personality Characteristics, Physiological Consequences, and Neural Mechanisms. (2017)